My Dear Friend,
I’m writing this to let you know that I’m selling my Master’s Degree in English Literature. It has never been used and remains in exceptional, out-of-the-box condition.
So what will this piece of paper do for you?
I say this with absolute sincerity, purchase my MA from me and your life will change in unimaginable ways.
Imagine you . . . a literary scholar!
One day, you are scrubbing toilets and earning minimum wage. Life is a meaningless hellscape. Then BOOM.
Suddenly, you are attending fancy intellectual parties, drinking wine under the plump stars with your new professor friends, and strolling down a campus pathway, your pockets lined with a lucrative teaching gig at a two-year college.
If this sounds like a fairy tale, then read on.
For a limited time, I’m offering the sale of my Master’s Degree in English Literature from one of the world’s top 200 research institutions.
Imagine how this degree will dramatically open up your life . . . and expand your horizons, as the saying goes.
Your vocabulary will sparkle with the distinct verbiage of a learned man. Your career prospects will roar open.
You will join the ranks of the highly educated, sought after high and low for your advanced knowledge.
You will have an graduate school education, one of the most valuable investments ever constructed!
So how much will all this cost you?
Before we talk about cost, let’s calculate how much this degree would cost you if purchased new off the lot.
First, you’d have to get a BA. I’ve done all that work for you and you can skip right to the MA and the corresponding financial and intellectual rewards. More on that later.
But let’s see. That’s seven years of school total. Tuition can range from $5,000 to $30,000 per year. And let’s not forget rent. I personally paid around $400 per month. So in seven years, that’s 84 months. 84 months times $400 is $33,600. Just for rent alone.
And I’ve lived in some terrible places.
Then there are the overpriced books, food, transportation, and college binge drinking.
My Master’s degree was funded by a scholarship, so you are also buying a lot of intellectual sweat equity.
SO–you are probably thinking, a fair price for me to charge you would be 1 zillion dollars on account of all the time, money, and energy I’ve invested. Not the case.
Call me crazy, but I’m willing to offer this instant life transformation to you for peanuts on the dollar. A mere $40,000 is my price. That’s less than lunch at the Four Seasons everyday for 15 years (assuming you order a few bourbons and appetizers like the rest of the civilized world).
Seem like a lot of do-re-me-fah-soh-lah-tee-do?
Indulge me for a minute. Let’s see how your life will change once you are a “Master of the Arts.”
When I told them I had a Master’s Degree in English they laughed, but when I sat down to correct their grammar in Olde English . . .
“Can he really speak Olde English?” a girl whispered at the party. “Hell no!” Arthur exclaimed. “Only real scholars can do that. He never spoke a word in his life.”
Arthur had just listed a handful of dirty words he knew in Italian from his summer abroad. The room rang with laughter. I decided that this would be a dramatic moment for me to make my debut. To the amazement of all my friends, I began to speak in fluent Olde English.
Ne huru Hildeburh herian Ã¾orfte
Eotena treowe; unsynnum wearÃ°
beloren leofum Ã¦t Ã¾am lindplegan,
bearnum ond broÃ°rum; hie on gebyrd hruron,
gare wunde. Ã¾Ã¦t wÃ¦s geomuru ides.
“Wonderful!” said the girl. “Do you know any swear words?”
I did not.
Little Supply . . . High Demand
Anyways, the other reason this degree can be so lucrative is because of simple “supply and demand.”
You’ve probably heard of the Baby Boomers.
Think of it. There are millions and millions of teachers, professors, and scholars, all about to retire.
There just aren’t nearly enough teachers and professors available to fill the backlog of positions that will open up once the baby boomers retire.
This is true as I’ve heard many people say this.
I hope you have iCalendar. Because you are going to be booked solid for job interviews.
More Demand Than Ever!
Don’t believe me?
Well, consider that in 1970 America only produced a handful of graduate degrees each year. Since then, America’s annual output has doubled!
The education business is booming!
If there weren’t lucrative jobs for advanced degrees, then why would the universities be ramping up production, expanding campuses, building new libraries, and hiring armies of adjunct professors to handle the overflowing classrooms?
Education is an insanely profitable business. Think of it. Teenagers rush from high-school to mortgage their futures just for a chance to hear you speak in a classroom.
I’m offering a golden ticket right to the front of this modern-day gold rush!
Your Income Will Skyrocket!
Still don’t believe me?
Consider this. The University of Victoria, one of Canada’s top universities, makes it clear that if you get a graduate degree, you will rake in the riches.
As they report on their website, people with graduate degrees earn $15,000 more per year than people with bachelors!
These are not just facts and figures from some geek on the street. This data is presented by a university, a holy institution trained in scrutinizing fact from fiction and teaching critical thinking. You can be assured the numbers below accurately reflect the current economic conditions.
According to the University of Victoria, and this is a direct quote, income levels also vary based on the level of degree. Recent statistics in Canada reveal these findings:
- $35,000 for college graduates
- $45,000 for bachelor’s graduates
- $60,000 for master’s graduates!
- $65,000 for doctorate graduates
Holy George Herbert! That is an extra $15,000 you’ll earn each year just from buying my Master’s degree!
Of course, this is an aggregate number. Did they mention that?
Nevermind. They also provide a graph. And you how the saying goes, “if you present data in a graph, it’s definitely more true.”
Your meagre investment will literally pay for itself!!!!! In just a few years!!!!!!
But WAIT . . . There’s EVEN More!
Act immediately, and I’ll throw in my entire scholarly library . . . for FREE!
Imagine the jealous looks from your friends when they come over and you’ve transformed your 500 square foot condo into a scholar’s den.
They will run their hands along the great titles of the past and be lost in wonderment as they imagine all the wealth of information inside your head.
This library has cost me thousands of dollars and taken years to collect. Order now and its yours.
Sample titles include:
Memory, History, and Forgetting by Paul Ricour
The Complete Works of Hegel
The Complete Works of Shakespeare
Philosophical Fragments by Kierkegaard
The Complete Works of Walter Benjamin
The Complete Works of Kant
A bunch of French philosophy
A few Calvin and Hobbes
It’s an education in a box!
But WAIT . . . There’s EVEN More MORE!
An old professor of mine once told me that yes, the university job market is hell, but he was retiring soon. (Note, this may be treated as qualitative evidence of the Baby Boomer trend referenced earlier).
So, if you decide to turn this MA into a PhD, for even more earning power (see the Excel chart created by the University of Victoria above), I will throw in that professor’s email address.
A guaranteed job. For life!
NOW HOLD ON A MINUTE ….
Good question. I’m glad you asked yourself “if this degree is so great, why is he selling it?”
It’s that type of critical thinking I’m looking for in a candidate for my degree.
To tell you the truth, employers have never asked to see any of my degrees. I keep them in a box with my receipts and tax garbage. In fact, in all of my jobs I’ve never seen anyone’s degree.
So, these days, I just tell people that I’ve learned my profession on the streets. “You can’t learn marketing skills from a book,” I often yell from my desk. “You gotta learn that shit from the streets.”
Oh, and the debt. The soul-crushing debt.
Actually, now that I think about it, the debt is definitely motivating this fire sale.
But one of the benefits of a Master’s degree is the advanced rhetorical skills you will master because, you might have noticed, you aren’t even thinking of the debt anymore now that I’ve answered that persuasive objection.
You are thinking of discussions of semiotics and drinking wine with your new intellectual friends. Now, we are in a garden. A garden of ideas. I hope you brought your trowel.
Besides, if you aren’t happy with the degree you can always sell it to someone else. Unlike a home or a business, education is one of the safest investments you can ever make.
Even safer than money! And that’s a fact.
Try Your New Literary Life . . . 100% Risk-Free
I realize you might have some hesitations ordering a $40,000 piece of paper from a stranger on the internet.
You probably have some questions. Such as “what quality is the paper? Will it tear easily? Does it include a frame?”
It does not come with a frame.
HOWEVER, I’ve made sure this educational transaction comes with my absolute best guarantee.
Purchase my Master’s Degree today.
And try it completely free for a year.
If during that time, you don’t notice a substantial spike in your well-being, a feeling of intellectual satisfaction, and skyrocketing earning power, then send it back.
I will keep it. Or I can order a new one from my college. Your choice.
I want you to be happy.
Here’s to your new educated life!
BA, MA??? (You decide!)
This degree is actually for sale, although the message of this letter is satirical and in no way an endorsement of education as a solid investment. When it comes to education, buyer beware. Research your job market. For example, going to teacher’s college could be a bad move. Google it. And law school might not be the golden ticket it was 20 years ago. For example, Google “out of work python developer” and then Google “out of work lawyer.” Realize that many universities have no problem selling you paper and debt. They have few resources dedicated to making sure the labour market supports their production of degrees. This is particularly evident in the following areas: teaching and education; pure research degrees such as biology; English and the humanities; the social sciences and psychology research degrees; theoretical degrees such as physics and math. If your degree is not teaching you an applied skill or applied science, you could experience periods of hardship while finding a way to apply your intelligence outside of academia. Not all experiences are the same. However, three rules hold true: 1) it is generally a bad idea to borrow money for grad school 2) unless you work in technology, computer science, or engineering, a PhD is generally not needed 3) if you are finding a lack of opportunity within your current field, grad school is rarely the answer. Make sure your field needs an advanced degree before applying to grad school. For example, a PhD in computer science will likely get you a job and a very good one. A PhD in physics or philosophy is a theoretical degree that is dependent on the university hiring you back. Do not despair at this failure of the education system. Let the dead bury the dead and move onto to a new dream.